To my dear friend

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's
hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of
endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about
your intentions.

While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I
feel
that your influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below
for your review.

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important,
I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or
necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those
ex-boyfriends / girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to
hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest
that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball &
some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat all
after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater,
but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to
do
more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home
by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black &
blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day is beyond
me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the
front door key into the lock.

4. Beer goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most
likely do not. Please do not request that I go over & see if in fact, I
do
actually know that person. The phrase "let's F***" is illegal from now
on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the
brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this thought from becoming a
statement, especially in public. Please stop me from talking to the
guy/girl with the crooked teeth; acned-up face; bad breath; beer belly,
etc. Why are they so appealing to me while I'm with you? And why are
they so disgusting to me the next morning after you have worn off??
5. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's
debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is
completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the
proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin)
prior to going to sleep/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a
bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere
with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like
to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion
when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In
order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer
no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions &
hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,

From,
Your biggest fan,

Mince